[Boimler imitating warp drive]
What are you doing?
Sometimes I hum warp engine sounds just to, you know, soothe myself.
That is not what the engine sounds like.
Duh. That was enterprise-d at warp 4. This is cerf/ms.
[Imitates warp drive]
Oh, yeah, yeah. I get it. It's like...
[Imitates warp drive]
Fletcher, no. The cerf/105 has inverted plasma distributors,
so it's a little bit higher pitched, like... [continues imitating]
Wrong! The [imitates warp drive] doesn't come from the distributors.
It's the vibrations in the dilithium disbursement manifold.
It's like this... [imitates warp drive]
No, guys. It's like this... [Imitates warp drive]
Dude, I'm telling you, it's... [Continues imitating]
And voyagerwas all... [Imitates warp drive]
[Gasps] Are we doing the engine sounds?
[All imitating warp drive]
Security to deck 11. Something is very wrong down here.
On the ground! Now!
- We're just humming the... [groans] - I said freeze!
Oh, it is a little higher.
[Shaxs] Security log, sfardaz'e 57663.9.
Our slandofi' wit/7 drookman/ scavengers continues.
Their claim of salvage on sta/fleet cargo is ludicrous!
Thus far, my recommendation of full assault has been ignored
in favor of a more... diolomatic approach.
As I've already said, captain,
while we appreciate your discovery of this cargo,
we can only offer you a finder's reward.
This trash is ours. We claim salvage!
It has starfleet stamped on it. That's our trash!
It's been abandoned for more than a hundred years!
That means it's clear for salvage. We 're taking it!
Captain, they're attempting to load that cargo with their tractor beam.
Oh, no, they didn't! Engage our tractor beam!
Those crates are brimming with unique starfleet technology.
We can't let them have it.
If we fire on them, it's an act of war.
- I advise we fire on them. - Shaxs.
Shields up. Yellow alert.
Our goal is that this doesn't turn violent,
but if it does, our crew is ready and focused.
- [All] Fletcher! Fletcher! Fletcher! - [Cheenng]
That's like three cantaloupes worth of puree!
- He could beat the record! - He's doing it!
Come on, Fletcher. Sloupe that 'loupe!
- [Cheers, grunts] - [Bleep]
Do you know how hard it is to get cheese out of fur in a Sonic shower?
Oh, no. I am so, so sorry. I didn't mean to.
Don't try to butter my bread, ensign. I've heard about you.
But I didn't... what?
You're a disgrace! You wanna goof around? Go work on starbase 80.
- [All gasp] - [Man] Damn! Starbase 80?
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize cats ate nachos.
Whoa, whoa. All right, all right. Here, doc, here's a warm towel.
Give me that!
And some freshly replicated nachos.
Try the carnitas. It's delicioso.
At least someone around here appreciates rank. [Grumbles]
Don't listen to her. She's just a cat in a coat.
[Sighs] Thanks for defusing that, fletch. I was about to go nuts.
Fletcher's like a natural peace negotiator.
He was always getting us out of trouble back in the academy.
[Chuckles] Remember when those nausicaans tried to eat your heart?
Yeah, until you convinced them to just spit in my face.
I was lucky you were there.
And, mariner, you were lucky he was here too.
You know, it's not very starfleet to take a swing at the bridge crew.
[Scoffs] Whatever. I'm starfleet as hell.
And if somebody brings up starbase 80, they'd better be ready to throw down.
Hey, mariner, don't let the senior officers get in your head.
You wouldn't be here if you weren't great,
'cause there's a baseline of goodness to everyone in starfleet, even boimler.
[All laugh]
So, um... what do you think's in that cargo that has everyone so wound up?
A bunch of cryo-frozen princesses or maybe some fruit?
Ooh, I hope it's old communicators. You know, the original clamshell design?
[Squeals] Do you think we're gonna find out?
Once they figure things out with those aliens,
they'll probably have us space walk to get everything cataloged.
Uh, space walk? Really? Why can't we just use the cargo transporter?
- That stuff's too massive. - Uh...
Wait, what's wrong? I thought you loved archival cataloging.
You talk about it all the time.
I have a horrible secret!
I never finished my space walk unit at the academy.
- What? How did you graduate? - I don't know.
He just gave me a b, and I didn't say anything.
It must have been a clerical error. I'm a monster. Why didn't I just confess?
Space walking is easy!
You just float and magnet. Float and magnet.
[Shouting] But what if I forget to magnet?
I'll spin out into the void of space and burn up in the atmosphere of a gas giant.
Whoa, whoa. Calm down. That's not gonna happen.
Listen, I've been working on this new holodeck training program.
I think it can help you. You wanna try it out?
Oh, my gosh. Yes! Thank you. Thank you so much, rutherford.
The holodeck? [Grunts] Why didn't I think of that sooner?
Yeah, it's not just for hanging with Sherlock Holmes and Robin hood
and Sigmund Freud and cyrano de bergerac
and Einstein and Da Vinci and Stephen Hawking and socrates...
Five isolinear cores down and [grunts] just a ton more to go.
You know, when you [grunts] call something a core,
it implies there is going to be one big one, not a million little ones.
[Groans] We're not gonna make it to the chu chu dance.
I traded Kowalski 12 shifts so I could go.
Chu chu dance? That sounds awesome! Is it really that good?
Oh, yeah. I saw the zebulon sisters do it back on deep space 3,
and I am just now coming down from the high.
- [Man] Chu chu! Chu chu... - [Whooping]
Ah, great. Everybody's going except us.
Guys, [chuckling] I can handle this on my own. Go get your chu chu on.
Oh, no, no, no. We would not make you do that.
You would do the same for me. I've got this.
Lower deckers stick together.
Fletcher! That is super cool, man.
Hell, yeah! Thanks, Fletcher.
- Mariner, let's go get our chu chu shirts. - We have chu chu shirts?
- I made us chu chu shirts. Come on! - [Together] Chu chu!
[Chuckles, sighs]
Back to work.
[Rutherford] All right. Don't you worry.
My program will have you space walking with the best of 'em.
Computer, load "rutherford training beta 2.5."
[Holodeck chimes]
[Screams]
Hi! Can I teach you a lesson?
Aw. Who's this little guy?
This is badgey. He's a virtual tutor who can walk you through
any starfleet exercise you can imagine.
Aw! Look at his little arms.
Yeah, I made him cute.
Hi, badgey. I'm tendi.
Hi! Can I teach you a lesson?
Yes! Um, can you show me how to perform an untethered cargo retrieval in open space?
Sometimes it takes a second. [Chuckles]
You got it!
Wow! You coded this yourself?
Yeah, it's just a hobby. But the gravitational waves were tricky.
Whoa. [Chuckles]
So this is space walking? [Chuckles] I like it.
Just don't get your magnet boots too close to... [grunts]
[Both laughing]
- We're stuck together. - I think we're stuck at our feet.
Sorry. Yeah, let me just...
[Both strain, sigh]
Looks like you wanna recover lost cargo.
- Did I get that right? - Oh, yeah. Almost forgot.
Coming right up!
- Wow, look at him. Look at him try. - [Grunts] That shouldn't happen.
Badgey! Restart cargo recovery.
Badgey! Restart sequence!
Sorry, it usually works.
- Badgey! Stop it! - Uh, no, it's nothing, really.
Come on, you stupid glitch!
We're back in business! [Chuckles]
I can't believe I actually made eye contact with one of the zebulon sisters!
Oh, god! I forgot how to breathe.
Oh, my god. And then when they added the third chu,
and they were doing the chu chu chu dance?
They're geniuses!
[Chuckles]
I'm glad we did this together, boims.
Sometimes you can be, like, really not annoying.
Yeah. Sometimes you can be not annoying too.
- [Fletcher groans] - [Mariner] Fletcher!
- Oh, no. I'm so woozy. - Are you okay?
- What happened? - [Groans]
The core... I was working on the core.
- Everything was going fine, until... - [Humming]
[Screams]
I... I... I couldn't move. [Stammers] I couldn't breathe.
Fletcher, you tell me who did this to you.
Uh... I... I don't know!
Next thing I knew, you were here, and now I'm saying this.
Guys, somebody made off with one of the isolinear cores for the shield array.
Is that important?
Kinda. They regulate auto-repair when the shield's damaged.
- I messed up the shields? - Hey, it's okay.
It's like a backup of a backup.
Seems like somebody wanted to get you in trouble without damaging the ship.
Next time the bridge runs a shield diagnostic,
they'll definitely notice it's missing.
[Sobs] I'm gonna get court-martialed.
No, you're not. We can figure this out before anyone notices.
We're the ones who left you alone. We have to work together to get that core back.
Okay. Who's shady as hell and knows this system as well as we do?
- [Together] Delta shift. - Delta shift.
These creepy delta shift guys have always rubbed me the wrong way.
I mean, what, they do our jobs while we sleep? So weird.
Check it out, guys. Beta shifters.
Shouldn't you guys be getting ready for bed?
[Chuckles]
Hey, which one of you jerks never bothers to wipe down the diagnostic panel?
- Other people use that thing. - Um...
We don't wanna be here. I don't like us being awake at the same time.
It feels wrong, okay? But we need some answers.
Oh, damn. This must be the beta shift's version of a badass.
Mariner's a total badass.
And if you don't come clean, she's gonna [bleep] your [bleep] off!
Whoa! Fletcher, ease up, man. Guys, I'm not gonna do that. I'm so sorry.
Just give us the core, we'll go, and this can all be over.
- What core? - Oh, please.
Puh-lease!
Look, someone knocked Fletcher out and stole an isolinear core.
Are you accusing us of assault?
Get outta here! We don't know anything about a core.
That's it. You want some of this? Where's the core? Where's the core, man?
- Where's the core, dude? - Guys, no. Don't undo your flaps.
You wanna dance? I'll take you to the dance.
I'll pick you up at your mom and dad's house.
You don't talk about my dad!
Wait, hold on. When did this all go down?
Uh, I don't know. A few hours ago.
What? We were at the chu chu dance with you.
Oh, yeah. [Chuckles] So good.
Chu chu dance. Wow! Oh, my god! It's the chu chu dance.
Oh, my god. Chu chu dance.
And at the end when they added the third chu
and it became the chu chu chu dance, icned.
- I saw you crying too. Don't even lie. - Oh, damn, you were there.
Yeah, that checks out. [Sighs] It had to be someone else, man.
- Don't you remember anything? - I don't know.
It was dark. It was totally dark. Couldn't see anything.
- [Ship rattles] - Whoa!
Did they just fire on us?
Impossible. These guys don't even have weapons.
The drookmani have reversed their tractor beam
to launch the cargo against our hull.
These guys are lucky I'm so ethical and considerate.
[Laughs]
Captain, something is wrong with our shields.
They shouldn't be fading this fast. Permission to destroy the enemy ship.
They're trying to bait us into a fight.
We have to find a way to end this peacefully.
We're starfleet, damn it.
[Rumbling]
[Electricity crackles]
- Whoa. - What? [Screams]
[Com puter] Nonessential power diverted. Safety protocols disabled.
- What the heck? - Uh, we should get outta here.
- Computer, end program. - [Computer beeps]
- I said, computer, end program. - [Beeping continues]
That's not good. Badgey, run diagnostic.
You got it.
- Ow! - [Sighs]
Sorry about that. I didn't mean to hurt you.
Badgey, what the hell?
Oh, guess I'm just a stupid, worthless glitch!
- [Gasps] Badgey? - Computer, reengage safety protocols.
[Computer] Safety protocols are unavailable.
[Growls]
- [Grunting] - [Screams]
Get off me! He's corrupted!
Can I teach you a lesson?
- [Panting] - [Laughing]
- Computer, load bajoran marketplace. - [Computer beeps]
Put this on. We gotta blend in.
[Gasping, clamoring]
We gotta keep going.
- [Man screams] - Fun fact... I'm gonna rip your eyes out.
That fact wasn't fun.
[Badgey laughs]
Our shields can't take much more of this.
These guys are begging for a fight. I say we give it to 'em.
Phasers locked on to their warp core, captain.
Please, please let me shoot their warp core.
I have been very good this month.
Evasive pattern sulu Alpha.
Oh, come on!
I thought you said this trash wasn't worth fighting for.
We're not fighting.
A voiding damage is fighting.
[Groans] We can talk this out.
[Bleep] You!
- [Grunts] - [Shouts]
Oh, man, the shields must be slammed.
If they fall below 50%, they'll realize the core's gone.
- And then I'll be gone. - Wait, wait.
- I thought drookmani were just scavengers. - The drookmani!
I bet they took the core to mess with our defenses.
The guy who zapped me was definitely an alien.
- We gotta report this to the bridge. - Whoa, hold up.
We gotta scan the ship for intruders. I'm not going to the captain without proof.
Okay, let's go. Let's go get our scanners.
Okay, listen. I'll search decks two through ten.
Fletcher, you... [stammers] Huh? The core?
Fletcher, it was in your bunk?
Uh... uh... aliens. It's the aliens.
Those frickin' aliens. I knew they'd do this.
They're gonna frame me. I knew it.
Fletcher.
[Groans] I messed up, you guys. Oh, man, [cries] I really messed up.
- I'm the worst. - Stop it.
- Get a hold of yourself and shut up. - I'm slime! Stupid, stupid Fletcher!
Just tell us what you did.
When you guys went to the chu chu dance, I was doing all that rewiring on my own.
And it was getting so hard.
So, I was like, ”this would be so much easier if / were smarter ”
and then I was like, "wait. The computer's smart.
- Maybe it can make me smart." - What?
[Fletcher] So / hooked it up directly to my brain
and let it run so it would make me smarter.
[Mariner] Oh, boy, that is not a good idea.
[Computer] Neural path way established.
[Groaning]
[Fletcher] But I didn't get smarter. It broke.
And I peed my pants.
So I hid down here and told you guys I had been attacked
so you wouldn't feel let down.
Yeah, I don't know what to do with this.
We're supposed to have each other's backs, Fletcher.
You were gonna lie to the captain about an alien attack?
- You could've started a war. - Come on. Just back me up.
All we do is back you up, and all you do is lie!
[Sobbing] I just wanted you to be proud of me.
I messed up.
[Sighs] It's... [groans] It's okay.
We can reformat the core and put this all behind us. I guess.
Really? Oh, thanks, you guys.
You know, I've actually learned a lot today.
This has been like a learning experience for me.
That's all that matters. And you know what?
We're starfleet. We are starfleet.
- And when we make mistakes, we learn... - [Screams]
[All grunt]
Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it!
- What did you do to it? - I don't know!
Make me smarter make me smarter.
Ugh, Fletcher, your brain waves corrupted that thing.
It's incorporating anything it can get its grabber on.
- Fletcher, you've gotta call this in! - But I'll get in trouble!
If this thing gets loose, it could mess up the ship.
- [Fletcherized core] Do something! - Alert the captain right now.
You're right. Just let me get my tricorder here.
[Shouts] Die, die, die!
- Fletcher! - [Grunting]
[Fletcherized core] Dummy, dummy. Party of dumb-ass.
Il/le smart.
Get off of me. Let go!
You help me, or I'll say this was all your idea.
I'm not going down for this!
Dude! What you're doing is so not starfleet.
You break rules all the time.
Only dumb rules that shouldn't be there so I can do a betterjob.
- I would never put anyone in danger. - [Clears throat]
- Except sometimes maybe boimler. - [Screams]
[Fletcherized core] Stupid, stupid Fletcher.
[All scream]
[Grunting]
I'm sorry. This is all my fault.
Here's a tip. I'm going to burn your hearts in a fire!
- Leave us alone, badgey! - No!
- You were only trying to help. - No. I was trying to show off.
I knew badgey wasn't ready yet, but I wanted to impress you.
I just think you're really cool. [Sighs] I'm an idiot.
Aw, rutherford. You impress me every day.
You're very scientific.
Badgey is an amazing piece of programming, even if he does wanna kill us.
Yeah. [Chuckles]
He is a killing machine, isn't he?
It's actually weird that he hasn't murdered us yet.
[Panting] Hope you're ready to die.
Just as soon as I get up there.
Gonna kill you.
Aw, poor little guy is really having trouble with those stairs.
You've got this, badgey! Wait, what am I doing?
He shouldn't be affected by the physical parameters of the simulation.
[Badgey] I'm gonna wear your skin! [Babbles]
Wait, if we're tiring him out, then maybe we can freeze him out.
Computer, load environment 83.
[Shivers]
Quick, come on.
- Shield integrity 40% and dropping. - [Alarm blaring]
Automatic repair is down. Switching to manual.
[Fletcherized core] Dummy, dummy.
[Whimpers] Whoa! [Grunts]
- Grab that edge. We gotta drag it. - Guys, wait. I know what to do.
- You figured out how to fix it? - I wish.
No, we let this thing beat us up a little.
Then later we say that a o showed up and caused all of this.
Nobody will doubt us 'cause we'll be all busted up.
And you know, os are super unpredictable.
Here, help me feed some stuff into this thing so it gets bigger.
[Fletcherized core] Delicioso.
Oh, real nice, guys. Let me outta here! Come on!
- The o thing's a good idea. - Letgo!
- [Fletcherized core shouts] - Ugh. It just incorporated a light panel.
We gotta get it to the transporter before it's too big to move.
I know you guys were friends at the academy, but I am just gonna say it.
- I do not like Fletcher. - Ow!
We gotta rethink this whole lower-deck-stands-together thing.
[Core] What you got?
You know, it's kinda nice that we aren't fighting for once.
- Yeah! Guess we make a good team. - [Core] What you got?
From now on, some lower deckers stand together.
- [Fletcherized core] Come on. Square up! - Whoa. Oh, no!
[Screams]
Oh, [bleep]! There's no way we're gonna make it to the transporter.
[Gasps] Airlock!
[Fletcherized core] Aliens! It's the aliens! Those fr/ck/n'aliens.
Here, fetch!
Whoa! I've got this.
[Door panel beeps]
You don't talk about my dad!
[Sighs] Oh, that was close.
Whew! Yeah! Disaster averted.
Wait, wait. Is it drifting towards the drookmani?
- No, no. No, no, no. - No, no, no, no, no, no.
[Boimler] Ah, no!
We are so getting fired for this.
Shields are down, captain!
I have done everything I can to respect their sanctity of life,
to avoid conflict and give them the benefit of the doubt.
The drookmani have given me no choice.
Shaxs, target their warp core.
Yes!
[Control panel beeps]
No! We waited too long. Weapon systems are down.
We need to get the crew into escape pods now!
Prepare to abandon ship.
Wait, captain, look! What is that?
[Electricity crackling]
We did it! I don't know what we did, but we did it!
[Kisses, laughs]
- Stay awake, tendi! We can do this. - [Shivers]
[Tendi] Did... did we lose him?
[Grunts, laughs]
Uh, yeah, we're doing fine. We're so good. Keep going.
Ah! Not running anymore, father?
This ends now, badgey.
After I gut you,
I'm gonna slit your little green friend's throat and take a bath in her blood!
No, you're not!
[Grunting]
I'm gonna wear your skin!
[Grunting continues]
[Badgey laughs]
[Laughs]
You can't hurt me, father.
Maybe with your disappointment but not with your fists.
I'm sorry I yelled at you, son. I was just trying to impress tendi!
I mean, look at her. She's so cute!
It's too late for apologies. It's too...
Kill you.
[Shivering] It's so cold... father.
I'm so sorry it came to this, badgey.
I'm gonna cutoff your foot.
[Hushes] No, don't talk. It's over now.
Diplomatic immunity.
- [Snaps] - [Groans]
[Crying] Badgey!
[Control panel beeping]
- Got it! Restoring main power. - [Ship powering up]
[Computer] Safety protocols restored.
[Groans]
Hi. Can I teach you a lesson?
[Stammers] Oh. Hey! Hi, badgey.
Um, does he remember he was trying to, uh...
Remember what? Can I teach you a lesson?
Nope, nope. Actually, you know what? We were just heading out.
Yeah, yeah. We're... we're good. Thanks, badgey.
You got it! If you need me, badgey's here!
I'm always here.
Ow! A fricking wrist roll chafe.
Good! Shut up.
That core had my brain pattern all over it.
If they find it and kick me off the ship, you're going down with me.
What the hell is going on down here?
We've got an unauthorized airlock ejection, a missing computer core,
and somebody attacked that drookmani ship.
You three better have one hell of an explanation.
Oh, I'll tell you exactly what happened.
Ensign Fletcher's brilliant improvisation,
updating the isolinear core to weaponize it against the drookmani,
saved the cerritos.
Fletcher demonstrated the sort of selfless heroism that starfleet's all about.
It's that heroism that earned him a promotion and a transfer to the titan!
- [Applause, cheers] - Oh, man. Wow!
- Did we have to get him promoted? - Eh, you know what they say.
"Keep your friends close and your enemies way the hell somewhere else."
Whoa, the titan! Isn't that, like, your dream gig?
Yeah, it is. [Sighs] But you know what?
Maybe this is just what Fletcher needs to turn things around.
New ship, new duties. It mightjust make him a better man.
I got flicking fired!
What? You, fired? Who would fire you ever?
It's, like, who says you're not supposed to empty trash into the warp core?
It all burns up anyway.
Oh, yeah, who wouldn't make that mistake?
I thought maybe you guys could put in a good word for me or...
Fletcher, sorry. You're breaking up.
I think you're going through a temporal rift or something.
- A rift? What is... hello? - Whoa, Fletcher, there's a o.
I'm holding my badge up.
There's a o doing crazy o stuff. Gotta go.
Well, he's earth's problem now.
Gotta say, I'd rather serve with a dozen of you than one Fletcher.
I mean, yeah, you break the rules all the time, but at your heart, you're starfleet.
Aw, boimler, that's really nice. Thanks, man.
- I got the keys to the captain's yacht. - What? You shouldn't have those.
No, it's cool. I signed 'em out in your name.
- Last one there's a Fletcher! - Wait! No. That's not the lesson here.
[Mariner] Lower decks, let's go!
Pew pewl pew, pew, pew! Pew pew!
Chirp.