[All breathing heavily]
Shaxs has the gym in 20, but we should have time for a quick round.
Ooh, you guys gonna go anbo? Can I get in on that?
Sure! More the merrier!
Three months of midnight practice
- is finally gonna pay off. - [Both laugh]
Can't wait to see the look on her face.
Glad you're still into this.
I was worried maybe I came down too hard on you last time.
Hopefully, we picked up a few of your moves.
Nothing like some friendly anbo-jyutsu to work up a sweat.
[Buzzer blares]
[Grunting]
[Scoreboard dings]
Ha. We've been training on the holodeck at night.
- You might wanna take off the kid gloves. - [Panting] Oh, ah.
- Oh! - Are you okay? I... I didn't mean...
Fmgmm! I can finally get in a real workout.
[Both] Uh...
[Grunting]
[Both crying out]
Oh, god! No, no, no. No!
- [Grunting] - [Crying out]
[Groaning]
[Screams]
Put the kid gloves on! Put the kid gloves on!
- Ha, ha, ha! - [Shouts] Shaxs, help!
Don't worry about me. I'm early.
You've still got ten minutes.
- No! - [Punches landing]
[Both crying out]
Well, if raktajino makes you all jumpy, then just switch to human coffee.
- Eh, I tried, but it's too weak. - [Growling]
Shh! Did you hear something?
- [Thudding footsteps] - [Howling]
[Both whimpering]
- [Twig snaps] - [Both gasp]
- [Roaring] - [Both scream]
[Animals screeching]
[Freeman] Captain's log, sfardaz'e 580364.
The cerritos is en route to f/jy/on /I/
to investigate the reported sighting of a mugato,
a dangerous creature not ind/genous to this planet
"poisonous, carnivorous, strength of ten men."
Huh, sounds like my ex.
I can't believe we pulled another animal control op.
As if there weren't more important jobs for us to do.
The bioelectrical signatures on frylon
has made it difficult to pinpoint life signs,
but with boots on the ground, we'll find her.
[Chafienng]
Let's see, hmm, hmm, hmm.
What about 10% gratuity on a biannual basis?
- Hmm, worth considering. - [Loudly] What up!
- [Both yell] - Wow, flinch much? Hey, work later.
Let's hit the phaser range. I need moving targets.
This isn't work. We're playing diplomath.
And we're at a crucial point in the negotiation.
- We're both about to lose! - Why is that good?
If both sides are equally unsatisfied with the negotiation,
you can close the deal.
Ready for final offers?
[Padds beep]
- Eh, I don't like it. - I guess I can live with that.
That's a compromise!
Oh, boy.
I'd say you guys should take up a less embarrassing hobby,
but it might be too late.
Honus! Can we get two more?
Yeah, maybe with some pain reliever mixed in.
Ah, yeah. Not surprised you fellas need a drink
after talking with that powder keg friend of yours.
Huh? You talking about mariner?
If'n that's her real name.
Haven't you boys ever wondered how she's able to kick so much ass
and get away with whatever she wants?
Uh, 'cause her mom's the captain and she practices kicking a lot?
Usually on us.
Working the bar, I hear a lot of inside information.
Your friend is a specially trained secret agent for starfleet black ops.
- [Both laugh] - Yeah, right.
- Okay, man. - Shut up, honus.
I'm telling ya, they made her into a killing machine.
The perfect weapon.
We spend all of our time with mariner.
Pretty sure we'd know if she was the perfect weapon.
Most of the time she's napping.
Of course she does.
Captain's daughter, friends with the softest guys on the ship.
It's a perfect cover.
Haven't you ever noticed that she seems to know every fighting style?
She is a master of anbo-jyutsu.
Look we may be soft, but we're not gullible.
Just watch out.
When her back's against the wall, that's when the training kicks in.
She's programmed to protect herself at all costs.
All costs.
Okay, buddy. You heard wrong.
I bet they didn't believe the rumors on the Atlantis either,
until it was too late and they were all...
[Manager] Honus, could you get back to work?
Billups is still waiting on his peach daiquiri.
Argh, keep your pips on, billups.
- That guy's so full of it. - Yeah, right?
As if starfleet would ever hide a black ops agent on one of their own ships.
Yeah. I mean, starfleet intelligence does it.
And tuvok did it when he infiltrated the maquis.
And there were a ton during the dominion war.
But on the cerritos? Yeah, right.
[Knife hitting table]
Yeah, right.
[Alarm sounding]
Oh! Looks like we have a spike in the subcortical...
Let's move, people!
I need 30ccs of desalinated paviatic fluid.
On it.
Uh, technically, that's my patient.
Clear the area!
[Stammers] That's fine... it's...
Ensign tendi, my office!
I'm sorry, doctor. I know you said I need to be more assertive.
- I just... - Okay, okay, whatever.
This is a list of crew who have avoided their annual physicals.
But why? The biometric scan is noninvasive.
Eh, some freaks hate being reduced to a set of readings.
I need you to hunt them down and scan their asses.
You got what it takes?
Yes! Thank you for this opportunity. I won't let you down.
So, I was reading up on the mugatos.
Did you know they have alternative pronunciations?
"Mogatu, mugutu," and "gumato." Isn't that neat and inconsistent?
Dude, I'm talking alien pronunciations. That's, like, your favorite thing.
- What's up? - Check this out.
Mariner's record.
Don't tell me you actually believe that bartender.
Mariner has served on a lot of ships.
Because she's always getting demoted.
Yeah, that's what she says.
Look, when she served on the Atlantis, half the crew mysteriously vanished.
- I'm sure it was just a reassignment. - A hundred reassignments?
Plus, there's nothing in the logs about it.
Just one day... poof! All gone.
That is weird. You don't think she had anything to do with it?
- Who to do with what? - [Both scream]
- [Both gasp] - Whoa! You guys see that?
- [Both sigh] - [Chuckles] What's got you so jumpy?
Just excited to see a mugato.
You would be.
Just stay out of my way down there. Or else.
- [Both scream] - Or else what?
I don't know, we'll get poisoned by a mugato...
You guys are so weird sometimes.
[Thunderclap]
Shaxs, our sensors indicate a storm moving in.
You've got less than 22 minutes
before we lose comms.
Copy that, captain.
You all got the briefing. No weapons.
These mugutus are endangered,
and their genitals are sensitive to phaser fire.
[Thunder rumbling]
All right, fan out.
This is where we detected a gumato life sign.
[Tricorder beeping]
Ah, what have we here? [Inhales deeply]
Mugato dung.
- [Chomps] - Ew!
- Fresh. Tangy. - [Gags}
[sniffing]
[Rutherford] She doesn't seem dangerous.
I think we're being silly billies.
Even if mariner was black ops, which she is not,
that bartender said she'd only flip out if her back was against the wall.
This is just one random mugato. We're fine.
[Grunts]
[Breathing heavily]
Yo, it's pretty clear we're going in the right direction.
You don't have to... [gags]
Mm-hmm.
[Mugato roars]
Ferengi.
- [Chittering] - [Roaring]
[Screeching]
Clear them out, fools.
I need to show off the fresh merchandise.
I'll take a dozen horns. A-Are they horns or tusks?
They're whatever you want them to be, as long as your latinum's gold-pressed.
They're harvesting these animals.
Boimler to cerritos.
Look! They've got a signal dampener. It's jamming this whole area.
Looks like we're on our own.
Just how I like it, backs against the wall!
I think we should retreat and...
- Let's move! - [Both gasp]
[Grunts]
Starfleet!
[Grunting]
Ferengi poachers, you are violating the conservation laws of federation space.
Oh, this is federation space?
I didn't know that. Did you know that?
Oh, thank the maker you're here. I was being attacked by these...
You were purchasing illegal horns. Stand down and prepare to be searched.
Hey, no need for all this. We're licensed businessmen.
Oh, really? You have a permit?
Yes, a permit to whip you!
- [Boimler screams] - [Alarm sounding]
[Roaring]
- [Mariner] Mugato stampede! - Take cover!
[All grunting, roaring]
[Both panting, gasping]
[Screaming]
- What do we do? - I don't know. Where's shaxs?
No! [Screams]
[Groaning]
[Shouts] It's real! She's gonna kill us.
[Both yelling, panting]
[Rutherford] But there's mugatos out there!
Yeah, but she's in here!
[Barnes] Captain, we have an unknown ship leaving the planet's orbit.
One occupant.
Hail them.
- [Control panel beeps] - Lea ve me alone. I don't have any horns.
What? I just want to know if you encountered our away team.
- Not interested. Don't hail me again. - [Control panel beeps]
Uh, what? Put a tractor beam on that ship. I think we need to have a little chat.
Captain, his ship. The hull integrity's failing.
What the... emergency transport. Now!
[Control panel beeping]
What in the name of...
[Shouting] My ship!
I said the tractor beam!
It was, captain. At the lowest tractor factor.
My whole life was on that ship. What have you done?
[Sobbing]
We need to get out of range of their signal dampeners.
Put some distance between us and mariner and contact the ship.
Was she eating shaxs? That's freaking crazy, man. That's just...
[Growling, roaring]
- [Both yell] - Go!
[Both yell]
- [Both whimpering] - [Mugato sniffing, growling]
Shh, shh, shh. Easy, mates. You're safe with me.
Great! Uh, who are you?
I'm patingi.
The renowned biologist?
I have five books on mugatos.
For real? Can you help us get out of here?
Of course, mates! I've been studying these beautiful mooga-toes for years.
I'll walk ya right to safety.
Oh, you're the best, patingi.
[Chuckles] I know. Come on. Stay low, follow me.
[Imitating mugato noises]
- Man, patingi rules. - Right?
[Humming]
H... hi, lieutenant. Sorry to bother you,
but it says here you haven't come in for your annual physical.
Uh, I'm pretty busy. I'll get to it when I get to it.
Uh, well, actually, time is of the essence and...
I said I'm busy!
[Scoffs]
[Imitating mugato noises]
Patingi, are we gonna be in your next book?
Hmm? Oh, no, I don't write, mate.
I've read five books on mugatos.
- Wait, what? - Yeah, I figured I knew enough
to walk amongst them.
[Imitating mugato noises]
- See? I'm like one of their own. - [Roaring]
- Patingi, no! - Oh, patingi!
[Both panting]
[Exclaims, grunts]
[Both screaming]
Uh, I'm really committed to fitness.
I spot ransom, like, all the time. We're really good pals.
Let me get another. [Grunts]
- [Beeping] - Thank you for the DNA scan, lieutenant.
Ooh, it says here you should be drinking more milk
- because your bones are so weak. - [Laughing]
Hey, don't listen to her. I'm as strong as...
- [Bone cracks] - Oh, god! My hip!
Stevens to t'Ana. Emergency transport!
- [Cries out] - [Bones cracking]
[Both groaning]
[Sighs]
If we ever get off this planet, we'll have to turn in mariner, won't we?
Yeah. Feels bad reporting anyone in starfleet, much less a friend.
Was she our friend? Or were we just cover for...
- [Growling] - Shh!
[Quietly] Quick, in there!
[Growling, sniffing]
- [Loud banging] - Whoa!
What are they doing?
[Boimler] Oh, god. They're mating! [Exclaims]
[Growling]
[Moaning]
- [Mugato squeals] - Oh!
We're gonna drown!
Come on. Come on!
[Mugatos grunting, moaning]
- [Boimler] Crap! Another one! - [Roaring]
Oh, this could get violent if he tries to assert dominance.
[Cheeping]
[Snarls]
[Cheeping excitedly]
- Is he asserting? - No, I-I think he likes to watch.
All right. Who's next?
[Device trilling]
Huh.
Who are you?
Okay, they wore themselves out.
Ew, gross, even the watcher.
Do you think the captain knows mariner's undercover?
[Boimler] Probably her idea.
Oh, man. So, the mom-and-daughter thing was all an act.
- We were so stupid not to see it. - Wait!
Watch it. Mugato trap.
- Hi. - [Both scream]
- Run! - The hell are you two doing?
[Cries out, grunts]
Guys, quick! The ferengi are coming.
- You gotta get me out of here so... - So you can eat us like shaxs?
- What? - We saw it, mariner.
- Back there at the compound. - Shaxs was stung by a mugato.
Yeah, and you stabbed him and licked his blood.
They really messed you up good in that lab.
I had to suck the venom out. What lab?
- We know what you really are. - Wait, wait.
Did you find out that I'm a black ops secret agent?
- You aren't even hiding it? - Section 31!
I am not a spy, guys.
Then how did you know?
Because I started that rumor.
Yeah, right. More black ops lies!
No, really, that was me. Look, I like having a mystique.
Even if we did believe you, how do you explain the Atlantis?
Half the crew disappeared with no explanation.
- Did you eat them? - The Atlantis? No.
Everyone got kerplickian lice.
Of course starfleet command didn't put it in the official record.
Do you know how embarrassing it is to lose a starship to lice?
Why are you so good at martial arts?
Because it's a sport I can practice on my own,
because on every ship, I never have friends who...
Wait. You looked at my records?
You guys, you thought I was an undercover killer?
Ow! What the hell!
- I thought you might catch the tricorder. - Before you did, like you were a ninja.
Yeah, but... That's all it took, is a lucky catch?
You shouldn't have started that rumor.
I mean, "kill anything in her way." Why would you want people to think that?
Because it keeps jerks away from me.
But I can't believe you guys would ever believe that.
You're my best friends.
I... I think we believed because that part made sense.
That a badass like you wouldn't really be friends with guys like us.
- Oh, guys, I... - [Vehicle approaching]
Oh, crap. It's too late.
- Hide. - We're not leaving you.
The ferengi got everyone else. It's up to you guys.
But what do we do?
You have to be the black ops superspies. Kick their asses!
[Tires screeching]
[Doors opening, closing]
Ah, what a catch. Take her!
[Tires screeching]
Any luck with those physicals?
I'm almost done. Just one holdout left.
Really? I'm impressed, ensign.
This last one, it's weird.
It's not even a name. It's just a serial number.
Ah, well, m... Probably just an error in the system.
It's almost as if someone erased their information.
Ah, yeah. I mean, there's always one that slips through the cracks.
We've wasted enough time on this. Come on.
Ugh, I really wanted to finish this job for you.
Enough! Go back to your station, ensign.
[Sighs]
[Gasps] That number. You're the last holdout?
[Clapping]
Congratulations. You got me.
I... I just don't understand. Why not just get your exam?
You want me to see a doctor? I am the doctor!
When I picked you for this job, I was counting on you to give up.
Well, maybe the old tendi was a pushover,
but a lot's changed since slightly earlier today!
All right. Let's just get this over with.
- [Screeching, mewling] - Get back here!
[Mewling continues]
Bad doctor t'Ana! Bad!
- [Screeching] - [Screams]
[Hisses]
Mr. Hyde, while we can't replace your ship,
I can offer you one of our shuttlecrafts.
I think that's more than fair.
Hmm...
Uh, captain, don't you think starfleet would frown on that?
We're helping a traveler in need.
We'll just tell them we lost the shuttle in a black hole.
Wouldn't be the first.
Oh, I had so many personal items aboard the lady/'ane ll
that could never be replaced.
- We're talking rare antiques. - Like what?
Oh, an old model sailing ship.
A nautilus shell. Bronze pineapple. Little gorn doll.
These hold special meaning to me.
Well, I guess we have similar taste.
[Groans]
[Groaning]
[Cackles]
I wish mariner was a super-soldier.
Or if only we had special powers.
Wait. We do!
I mean, maybe not here, but here.
- Our skin! - Our brains.
- Brains, right. Inside of our skins. - It's our brains.
[T'Ana] I treat over 100 different species on this ship.
I think I'd know if I'm healthy.
Then just let me scan you!
I don't need a second opinion!
- [Shouts] - [Mewling]
[Groans]
My arm! It's broken!
Oh, nice, the old "fake an injury" thing?
Yeah, I'm not gonna fall for... oh, [bleep]
God, kid. I'm sorry. This is all my...
[Trilling]
Got ya.
[Groans]
Well played.
That was actually kinda quick.
I don't know why I made such a big thing of it.
You know you guys could just replicate stuff, right?
Like the stuff you buy with latinum, you could just replicate.
- You guys are dumb. - If we're so dumb,
then how did we capture you, human?
You guys are what, some creepy throwback "last outpost" -style ferengi?
- You ever heard of quark? - Of course I've heard of quark!
[Door bangs open]
Starfleet!
Hey, ferengi! We got a little something for ya!
May we present...
A cost-benefit analysis for greater long-term profits.
What if I told you you could earn 150% more iatinum
with live mugatos rather than dead ones?
Stay your whip.
What do you propose?
Well...
By ending the sale or slaughter of the mugato
while putting an investment in the conversion of this place
into more of a mugato preserve...
Your long-term revenue streams
will come to include ticket prices, merchandise, concessions.
The whole gumato!
[Hushed chatter]
Oh, mariner, what's happening?
Those two beautiful nerdy men are negotiating us to safety
using the power of math.
[Chatter continues]
It is a more time-consuming effort than our current operation,
but I can't argue with the profit margin.
Though I don't love releasing captives.
Well, technically, we really should be apprehending you
for attacking members of starfleet, so...
If we're both unhappy, that means we've reached...
- A compromise! - Compromise!
Mugutu venom can have latent effects, so I'll need to check on you later.
In your quarters. [Purrs]
I just got my physical. I could heal you all night.
[Device beeps]
[Alarm sounding]
Okay, people! It's go time!
No, I've got this! Give me 20ccs of space, all right?
Now that's confidence! You really showed me something today, kid.
Thank you, doctor.
But this isn't your patient. So get the [bleep] out of our way!
Yes, doctor.
Leaving the frylon system now.
[Chuckles] Oh, you're gonna love this.
We made contact with a group of eco-friendly ferengi.
- Really? - Apparently,
they're looking to nurture abandoned mugato.
Setting up a whole preserve. Very noble.
That's outstanding.
Oh, before you go, you haven't had any recent shio accidents, ha ve you?
Uh, uh, no. Nothing here.
Okay, good.
We've had some reports of a scam being run in that sector.
Junk sh/p w/ll purposefully self-destruct and try to pin it on sta/fleet.
Oh, we'll be sure to look out for that.
Hmm. Did you redecorate? Something looks different.
- [Loud bang] - [Yells]
Way I see it, you can either pay for your crimes in a federation penal colony,
or we can pretend you never pulled this little stunt,
and you can do some good for a change.
What do you mean ”good”?
[Mugatos chittering]
We need to get all this dung out of here so we can set up a gift shop.
We're going to be rich!
[Sighs]
[Kynk] From now on, we work for the mugatos!
This place has to be a horned heaven!
[Hyde groans]
No, you only reveal the graph at the end.
Well, can you inflate the numbers?
- [Laughs] Wait, are you being serious? - I guess not.
Sorry we thought you were a secret superspy
who was ready to kill us, by the way.
In retrospect, it probably would have come up before.
And I'm sorry I spread a rumor and made you feel like you weren't my equals,
because today you were the badasses.
I guess I kick ass one way and you guys do it another.
- Thanks, mariner. - So, what is happening in this game?
Are we almost at compromise?
Huh, no, not even close.
Do you even understand how to play this at all?
I... I guess I don't. Uh, I'm gonna go grab another round.
How is she kicking our asses so hard?
I don't know, but we gotta make sure she never finds out.
What can I get ya, mariner?
Three of the same.
Hey. You see those two guys back there? Those are the mugato twins.
Fought off a dozen mugatos bare-handed.
Then they ground up the mugato horns, snorted 'em and acquired strange powers.
Oh. Ma'am, your secret's safe with me.
[Manager] Honus! Are you kidding me?
I needed those limes yesterday. For real, man.
If you don't wanna work at the bar, don't work at the bar!
Pew pew/ pew, pew, pew! Pew pew!
Chirp.