(ENGINE REVVING)
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLASTS)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
JEREMY: Thank you. JAMES: Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much, everyone.
Now, welcome to what is a Grand Tour special,
in which we go on vacation.
Yep. Let me explain.
The other day we were wondering
why some people who want to visit the western bit of America,
choose to do so on an RV touring holiday.
It is very popular. I mean, we all have friends who have done it.
And they say they had a good time.
Sounds like caravanning to us, though.
-And you couldn't enjoy that... -(LAUGHTER)
...unless you were mental. However,
Mr Wilman says that since this is a motoring,
and travel and adventure show
he would rent us an RV.
And then we could go over there
to see if we could find out what the appeal is.
JAMES: This was the location he chose.
And this was the Winnebago Chieftain that he rented for us.
And it was very terrible in every way.
Chaps, if you'd like to brace,
I'm gonna put my foot down, see what she'll do. Happy?
BOTH: Yeah. -Here we go.
(ENGINE REVS)
40.
43.
That's flat-out.
JEREMY: This slowness put Hammond and me in a bad mood.
You're just helping yourself to cards. I...
I thought that was the idea. Gotta find all the cards...
I have to have a turn as well.
Well, that'll take ages.
Don't make my holiday worse than it already is.
-(RATTLING) -It is pretty bad in here, isn't it?
It's worse than I thought it would be.
Who decided, "Yes, that wallpaper makes it look like home"?
This material existed...
...in the late-1960s in South Yorkshire.
It's called pleblon that we're sitting on.
And this - this is vulgalure.
RV design, as far as I can tell,
stopped in 1972.
RICHARD: Yes.
It's a different design language
and the language is: Shit.
But all of this doesn't trouble me
half as much as that.
We're here for a week.
At no point will we be more than 12 feet
from where the turds are stored.
His turds.
Look at this.
That's the lavatory door.
Look at it. This is unacceptable.
What separates us from the animals
is reason and defecating in private.
You go somewhere comfortable, read a newspaper, do your business.
You can't do that in there.
-(RATTLING) -What is that shocking racket?
-Everything. -Everything rattles because it's full of crap.
(JEREMY GROANS)
I'm not... I can't... I can't do a week in here.
(RATTLING)
JEREMY: After just five miles we'd had enough.
And pulled over for a cup of American coffee.
Right. Recipe's very simple. Take a coffee bean and razor blade.
Chop just the end off. Lovely.
Let's check the...
Lukewarm? Yeah.
Pop it in.
(STIRS) Mix it up till the water is
just slightly coloured.
-Perfect. -So in conclusion, then,
there is no appeal to an RV holiday, is there?
This whole experience wouldn't be so bad
if we somehow could modify it, so it's better to live in.
Well, only if we could have one each.
Well, why don't we do that?
JAMES: Get one each? -Yeah, why don't we just get one each?
And then modify it to suit our particular requirements.
-We don't have to have all of this offensive-- -We can do what we want.
JAMES: We therefore abandoned Mr Wilman's RV
and went off to buy our own.
Which we then personalised to suit our individual holiday needs.
JAMES: This is what I've gone for.
It's the Ford F550 National Tropical.
And...it's 36 feet long.
Why so massive?
I wanted to modify it in such a way
that I brought a small taste of home with me.
-Can you guess what it is? RICHARD: Er...
-Brown furniture. -A tea cosy.
-A rusty motorcycle. -No.
-Follow me. -What?
Holy moly!
-Whoa-ho! -Yes, welcome to the Rack and Pinion. What will it be?
RICHARD: I'm in a pub. JEREMY: I'm staggered.
RICHARD: It's got peanuts on the wall, terrible pictures.
-Yes. -This is fabulous. (LAUGHS)
-I know. -Warm brown beer.
Yep. Would you like a glass of Lady Petrol?
-Is that rosé? Lady Petrol? -Yes. I've equipped it with your favourite drinks.
-What's that? -That's for you.
JEREMY: Brummie's Ruin.
BOTH: It's gin. -Have you remembered to ensure
there are sufficient urine traces in the peanuts?
Yes, I urinated on them myself.
Can I just ask: why have you got a drawing of three stroke victims on the wall?
That's us.
-Er... -What?
-Dartboard. -Yes, it's a pub.
Darts is a fine game and helped England win a lot of wars.
Darts is for people who have no conversation.
-Rubbish! -Who wants to go to the pub and do maths?
It's no good telling me what you want your pub to be like.
-I don't want my pub-- -This is my pub. This is what it's like.
This is a traditional pub.
-This is what they look like. -This is great. It works.
We're already talking pub bollocks.
James, it's my job to ridicule you, obviously.
But I can't. Because, apart from the dartboard, you've done an incredible job.
-Thank you. -But it isn't quite as incredible
as the job I've done.
RICHARD: Whoa! -I've gone, as you can see, for a nautical theme.
-In the desert. -Yes, bear with me.
Two-tone paintwork, obviously.
Jet ski on the back, and then, up on the top,
and this really is the pièce de résistance, the flying bridge.
-What, so you can drive it from outside? -Why would you not do that?
-Because you built it. -I hate jet skis, by the way.
I know, but I... You told me my hatred of darts is irrelevant.
-You kept mentioning it. -It does look nautical.
-Shoes off. Shoes off. JAMES AND RICHARD: What?
-Shoes off. -Why?
-It's a boat. -Oh, I hate that!
I can afford £2 million on a boat,
but not a new bit of carpet if it gets some dust on it off my shoes.
-It's a bit Surrey. -Off.
-Oh, God. -Right, good.
RICHARD: Right, boots are off. Whoa!
-What? -Is this all bathroom?
Yes, obviously. Or lavatory.
Shower here, tiled, as you can see.
Tasteful.
Sink unit, vanity mirror, restrained.
And... just pop this open like so.
-Wow. -Lower the flap,
which means that in the morning...
...I can...sit down
..and I can... well, I can see the pub.
As we know, luxury is defined by light and space.
JAMES: Hm? -So this is a luxurious bog.
JAMES: Correct. -And also, look.
This is not some camping lavatory where you defecate on a piece of plastic.
Observe.
(FLUSHES)
Oh, it's a proper thing.
Well, how, where does... where does that go?
-Underneath the RV. -What, to, like, a tank or something?
No, underneath the RV.
What, you're going to drive off in your bathroom
-leaving behind a mound of turds? -Yes.
-Where are you gonna sleep? -Here.
This is the exact same width as my forearm.
JAMES: Oh, yes.
RICHARD: It's more of a cupboard, really, isn't it?
JEREMY: The roof, however, was a different story.
-Whoa! RICHARD: Oh, I say.
Well, this is wasted space normally, isn't it?
JEREMY: Exactly. JAMES: It's pretty good this, Hammond.
-But hang on a minute. -What?
-This is... This is very impressive. It's very-- -Aargh! Ha-ha, ha ha-ha!
-(LAUGHTER) -Oh, yes!
-Ha, ha-ha! -Oh, ho.
-So that's something to look forward to. -Aargh!
(LAUGHS) Yeah, don't let skin touch anything.
Right, so assuming you were able to sit in the scaldingly hot seat.
-Yes. -Under the blazing sun.
-Yes. -How does it work?
Have you got brakes and accelerator and...
Accelerating.
-Braking. -Right.
-Gears. -Oh, so it really is a boat.
Yeah. Look, the way I see it is this, gentlemen.
Almost no one would want to go on holiday in a 36-foot caravan,
but everybody would bite your arm off
to go on holiday in a 36-foot gin palace.
-They're not really that different. -No, they're not.
It's just one floats on water and one goes on land.
-Right, Hammond. -Yes.
-Where's yours? -Over there.
-What, behind the lorry? -No, it is the lorry. That's it.
JAMES: That's not an RV.
It is. Look, it's big, I can sleep on it and it's got a bike on the back.
-That's a recreational vehicle right there. -This we have got to see.
It's big and it needs to move along, so a truck is the obvious answer.
-What sort of truck is it? -I don't know. Truck.
These are the ones that used to be the U-Haul lorry. Ooh!
-You've still got the sign of the previous owner on it. -It doesn't matter.
Come aboard, leave your shoes on,
cos this wood is very splintery.
RICHARD: Um...
Here's the living accommodation.
-What living accommodation? -There's a bed.
There, bed. Telescope in case I get bored in the evening.
And then rocking chair in case of visitors and a motorcycle on the back.
So, just two secs.
-Stacks. -Yeah.
-Engine? -It's got a V8.
-Whose? -Mine now, I bought the truck.
JAMES: You have made no effort whatsoever.
Oh, no, now I have, but I've distilled it down.
I haven't wasted time and effort on complicated stuff I don't need.
-This is honest. -So when you come to my...
and say, "Please, Jeremy, can I borrow your lavatory?" in the morning,
I'm gonna say no, cos you accused me of wasting time.
And if you want to come to my pub for a drink of your gin,
which I've put on tap for you, I'll say,
"No, it's just a waste of time, Hammond."
I didn't realise we were setting up a sort of stock exchange of resources
-needed by the roaming camper. -Hammond?
-Yes? -Your lorry - I'm not gonna call it an RV...
JEREMY: It isn't an RV. -...is dismal.
God strewth.
JEREMY: On that note, we set off...
...to see what our RVs and Hammond's lorry,
were like on the road.
So, let's have a look at what we've got on the dash here.
Left-hand panel: don't know what any of that does.
Central panel, four warning lights.
Don't know what they're for.
They've got handwritten notices
but that's all rubbed off.
Everything on the right-hand panel: CB radio, stereo tape player etcetera -
all broken. Switch here?
-(CLICKING) -Nothing.
Air con is good, though, and that, frankly, is all that matters.
It's 100 degrees out there.
Hello, viewers. You join me driving my pub.
And given that the two things I do most in life
are driving and going to the pub,
this is a perfect arrangement, isn't it?
Go on, change up, you bastard.
-(GEAR CHANGES) -Thank you.
Nice view, that.
Better than the view from my pub back home.
That's a view of a wall and some bins.
Hello, America. I'm here to explore.
I'm not gonna push it hard up this hill,
cos I've noticed it's running quite hot.
Yeah, doing er... 15 miles an hour,
but I'm really not in a race.
Yeah, I'm down to 13 miles an hour.
Which is plenty.
-(BANG) -That's... That's my engine.
-(BANG) -My engine is backfiring.
-(SERIES OF BANGS) -Yeah.
You don't wanna break down round here.
This is where all the madmen live...
...that follow you in pick-up trucks and black lorries.
What is...?
What's that?
What the hell?
Did you see that guy?
I didn't see anybody. Where?
What guy?
The guy at the side of the road. Did you see him?
No, I didn't see anybody.
No, there was nobody in the road.
RICHARD: Jeremy.
Why aren't you driving yours on the roof?
Well, it's annoying.
It turns out off-road I can drive it on the roof,
but when I'm on the road,
there's a law that says I can't.
What, that you can't drive your RV from the roof?
-Yeah, I know. -It's health and safety gone mad.
It's ridiculous.
My only real issue, and it is - it's significant -
is that my idle speed is 5,000rpm,
which means my foot is now not on the accelerator
and I'm now doing 48.
Oh, Christ... Hang on, wait, stand by.
(REVVING)
You have to jab the throttle like that,
to get it to stop accelerating,
which, of course, causes you to accelerate more.
So if there's an emergency,
I must accelerate like that...
...to then be able to slow down.
Look at that.
If he had a purple jacket on
he'd look like one of those men
who takes old ladies on tours of North Wales.
JAMES: I'm going to pull in in front of you, so tell me when I can.
Not yet. Not yet.
Now.
Can you speed up a bit, Hammond? We're all bunching up.
Urrrrh!
I can't go much faster than this.
It starts to overheat quite badly and suddenly.
(LAUGHS) I'm not sure I'd trust us three doing...
doing this.
Soon we arrived in a typical American town.
Which, of course, had a typical RV campsite.
This'll do. We're home.
So, we decided to check in for the night.
Ow.
33 I'm looking for.
That's me.
Stop, stop.
-Stop. Stop. -(THUD)
(ENGINE STILL RUNNING)
Idle speed has gone completely berserk.
I do apologise, everybody.
There's literally nothing I can do.
That is my idle speed.
-(KEYS JANGLE) -Aargh! Ha-ha, ha-ha!
My ignition key is at 3,000 degrees centigrade.
Sorry, everyone. Sorry about the noise.
I know, we'll use the director.
Sorry, mate, if you could just
turn the engine off that would be great.
Call 911. He's going to need some fingers in a minute.
-Ow! -(ENGINE OFF)
-(BLEEP) -(CLATTERING)
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, it does that.
How hot are those ignition keys?
-Hot! -(LAUGHS)
Not as hot as the cameraman's right leg.
CAMERAMAN: Yeah, that nearly took my...
That was flame enveloped your right leg.
Oh, sh-- Oh, guys.
We have an emergency.
Yeah.
RICHARD: On the other, more peaceful side of the park,
I'd settled down to soak up life in my row.
Hello, neighbour.
I'll come over later, maybe play cards or something.
That dog's taking a wee.
Meanwhile, at the Rack and Pinion, it was opening time.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(WHIRRING)
Drop by for a beer later if you like.
JEREMY: As James got acquainted with his neighbours,
Hammond was showing me the view from his veranda.
There is a compound there where you take your dog for a crap.
JEREMY: Is that... is that a dog lavatory? -Yes.
My... My porch overlooks it.
Can I tell you what a member of our crew -
who I won't name because it'd be embarrassing, but it was--
-What does it begin with? -It was Ellis the photographer it begins with.
He said to me, is when people come round these places,
-what you do is... -Yeah?
(SNIGGERS) It's not for camera.
You put the word "anal" in front of all of the names of the caravans.
-(LAUGHS) -So you've got Anal Wanderer...
Anal Gearbox...
-Anal Desire. -(LAUGHING) Anal Hemisphere.
Anal Open Range. Anal Cougar.
Anal Sprinter.
-(BOTH LAUGH) -That's what you do!
JEREMY: Over at the pub, James was dispensing drinks to the locals.
It's a bit lively, sir. I'm sorry, but the pub has been on the move
-and rattled around quite a bit. WOMAN: Oh, I bet.
If you leave that just to settle for a few minutes.
I'll try a warm brown, please.
(SQUIRTING)
WOMAN: More foamy? -A little bit foamy.
If you'd like to just let that settle for a bit, sir.
I think I'll go with a Jack Daniels.
JEREMY: Having run out of bottom jokes, Hammond and I had gone for a walk
in what's billed as the great American wilderness.
-Is that a scrapyard? -Yes.
RICHARD: I do prefer the Lake District.
JEREMY: Back at the pub, James was entertaining his guests
with his conversation.
What you call warm British beer to us is cellar temperature,
which is not as cold as a refrigerator but colder than room temperature.
Right, right, right.
Erm...anybody mind if I have one?
-No. Help yourself. -No. Help yourself.
JEREMY: I mean, there must be more to it than this.
RICHARD: You do wonder what people do.
JEREMY: I don't wonder. I know what they do.
They wife-swap.
-Sunset? -It's lovely.
-Hammond. -What?
-Hammond. Do you...? -What?
-Did you see that? -See what?
-What? -No, nothing.
-I'm going to turn in. -Yeah, you're right. Sleep.
JAMES: Well, this year, because we've had a record summer,
it's actually very warm and sunny
but usually... September's all right
but by the time you get to November, certainly, it's getting cold.
The worst bit in England is sort of January...
JEREMY: After James had run out of his conversation,
he shut his pub for the night
and came round to my place with a plan.
Clarkson.
-What? -I've got an idea.
-What? -To go and burgle Hammond's tent.
You know how he's been burgled before and he just doesn't notice?
-Oh, my God, yes. -Exactly.
JAMES: Hammond claimed after he was burgled on holiday last year,
he hadn't woken up because the burglars had gassed him.
Yeah, right.
-Where's his lorry tent? -The far side.
(DOG BARKS)
(THUDS AND CREAKS)
RICHARD: Where's all my stuff?
The bastards!
-Good morning. -Hm. Dubious.
Ow.
(QUIETLY) Clarkson!
-What? -Have you stolen my bag?
-No. -Yes, you have.
I haven't.
Took everything.
That's all I have.
-You've been burgled? -Yes.
They must have gassed you.
That's all I can think of, Hammond.
I know that you're saying that to be funny. Ha-ha!
Well, that's what you said when you got burgled in France.
-Because it probably was. -But you probably were again last night.
-How are you feeling? -You haven't got it? Seriously?
I haven't got your bag.
James.
-James... -Hang on.
-Have you stolen my bag? -You what?
-Have you stolen my bag? -No.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
He's just this lonely little figure.
(LAUGHING)
Shall we let him have breakfast before we admit that we've got his bag?
Well...
I don't really want to sit eating breakfast with him naked, that's the thing.
Hammond, I think we've solved your crime.
We've solved it.
We have found the gas canisters, look, here.
It's a lot of gas.
If you've had this much gas...
It looks like a litre and a half of gas.
It's interesting they've spelt gas wrong, look.
Well, they got the first letter right.
Look, here.
You're saying I gassed myself?
They weren't both full when I started.
-(JEREMY CHUCKLES) -That's because you'd already started them.
(JEREMY LAUGHS)
JEREMY: Having given Hammond his clothes back,
we met for breakfast at the pub.
I was kept awake for some time last night by the man in the neighbouring RV
-scratching his eczema. -Ooh.
Or might have been sanding a table.
No, I had a couple in the one next to me.
-And when I say next to me, I mean here. -Yes.
-(QUIETLY) Why do they do that? -I don't know.
Nevada's massive.
Why would you park your... "Right, we're going to Nevada
because it's massive and empty and I'm going to park there,
so that they can hear the precise moment when my wife and I...
...do grown-up things."
JEREMY: We then discussed what holiday activity we'd do to fill the day.
-Balloon rides. -I hate balloons!
-The world's largest gift shop. -No.
How do they know it's the world's largest?
-Is it a shop containing the world's largest gift? -No.
-(OTHER TWO LAUGH) -Yes.
Is there anything a bit more cultural, like Indian art?
Or Native American, as we should say.
You just said Indian, you racist.
That's not actually racist.
James, we're not going to look at Native American art.
-Why not? -It's rubbish.
How do you know it's rubbish?
-Because I've seen it. It's rubbish. -You haven't seen all of it.
Well, I've seen some. I've seen enough of it to know it's dreary.
-Sunrise meditation. -JAMES: Oh, that'll be good.
It isn't good. What would be good about that?
I don't know because I haven't seen it but I'm prepared to have a look.
Why don't we... You know those big Baja
off-road 28-inch suspension travel things?
-Dune racer type things. -Dune racers.
Why don't we get three of those and belt around in the desert?
-Yes. -Cos that would be bovine.
I wouldn't learn anything from that.
I'd rather go and do something cultural.
Blasting around a dune sounds like fun.
Come on. I tell you what,
-you want to go and do Native American art. -Mm-hm.
-We want to go dune racing. Yes? -Right.
Let's have a vote.
(REVVING)
JEREMY: I would be driving this.
A Jakes Fabworks JF5U.
James would be driving this.
An Alumi Craft Class 10.
And Hammond would have this.
A plastic green pick-up truck.
OK. Now, this is supposed to be...
Ow! ..a Volkswagen Beetle.
Because that is where this sport began -
people racing Bugs round the desert.
But it's got a 2.4 litre Chevrolet engine...
and a sequential gearbox.
The only thing it really has in common with a Beetle is nothing.
Jumping!
Ha-ha!
Over we go, 16 inches of suspension travel at the front.
18 at the back means landing is really very comfortable.
Oh, yes!
My 2013 Currie underneath this plastic pick-up body
has the same tubular space range chassis as the other two.
But I've only got a two-litre engine.
However, it's a Ford Eco Boost, so it's turbo-charged.
And they've tuned it so it's putting out just shy...
Landing!
...of 300 brake horsepower. (LAUGHS)
And now I'm gonna fly again.
Aagh! Ha-ha-ha!
This is bliss.
RICHARD: Meanwhile, in the Alumi Craft Class 10...
(COUGHS) I've got dust in my face.
It doesn't have a windscreen.
I don't like cars with no windscreen. (COUGHS)
Why do I let the others talk me into this?
Why don't I just tell them to bugger off?
RICHARD: Ahhh-ha-ha!
Last time I did that it ended very badly!
The races they do in these things are enormous.
Hundreds, sometimes 1,000 miles or more.
Sometimes they'll spend nine hours a day in the driving seat.
Oh! I so want one of these.
Come on, let's have some air here!
Yeah! Ha-ha-ha!
What a riot!
How can James May not enjoy this?
JEREMY: As it happened, he was starting to enjoy it.
And weeeee!
Getting sideways a bit.
Whoa.
Watch me fly! Here I go.
Ha-ha! I'm gonna do one more.
JEREMY: After Billy Bob May had had his fun...
Weeeee!
-...we all stopped for a breather. -Yes.
I don't like admitting you're right, but I can be magnanimous. It's brilliant.
You've wasted your life with Chopin and plywood.
You're a dune racer.
You've always been a dune racer, you just didn't know you were.
It was just fantastic, and it's comfortable.
That's the thing. It's comfortable motorsport because of the suspension.
It's just... It's brilliant.
-It's cheapskate motorsport. -Is it?
It's cheapskate motorsport for people with dicky backs, that's what it is.
Because landing is so soft.
-Oh, sometimes I'm thinking, have I landed? -Yes.
I've got a brilliant idea. What are you looking at?
RICHARD: What?
There's something glinting up there.
-There isn't. -Yeah, whatever.
It's just...
Anyway, what's your brilliant idea?
-Anyway, I've got a brilliant idea. -What?
Time trial, flying lap,
one at a time against the clock.
I'll go first.
You really... You must put that right.
-(LAUGHING) -Where's me car?
-He really has taken to it, hasn't he? -He really has.
JEREMY: Having jumped back in, Billy Bob embarked on his flying lap.
Here he comes.
Go!
Here we go.
Wayyyy!
-That's James May! -(LAUGHS)
It's just not right, is it?
What's next? He's gonna take up cage fighting?
(LAUGHS)
I'm flying!
-Oh, my God! -(LAUGHS)
Look at this. He's actually kicking the arse out.
-57 seconds. -Well, we don't know whether that's fast or not
but it is less than a minute.
Is that the first time he's done anything in less than a minute?
-He can't open a car door in less than a minute. -No. Or sign his name.
No, that's two minutes, definitely.
-Biggles is back. -I can do a slightly better one than that.
-Can I have another go? -Oh, for God's sake!
JEREMY: Next it was my turn.
I just wanna say, Hammond.
-What? -You have twice as much horsepower as me,
and, May, you have 50 horsepower more than I've got.
So it's only my immense skill that's going to put me in contention here.
-Is it? -Well, what else is there?
He won't have any excuses ready for the end at this rate.
Yours weighs less. It's 200 kilograms lighter than this.
BOTH: Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma. -I'm just saying, in case I'm not as quick.
RICHARD: Eventually, Mr Racing Excuses was underway.
Here he comes, into his flying lap.
(REVVING)
Right, here we go.
(REVVING)
-Did I make that much noise? -Yes.
Concentrating very hard.
He's not very good through there.
Getting a bit squirrely now.
No, he's rubbish through there.
No! I was airborne there
long enough for them to serve me their snacks.
Get it straight.
And there we are.
I don't know how I've done, but it felt pretty good to me.
There are few things in life I enjoy more than delivering bad news to Jeremy Clarkson.
It's possibly my favourite thing.
Forcing myself not to do a little dance.
How much faster was I?
Well, unless your seconds were smaller,
you were slower, because you were 58.5.
-What was he? -57.81.
What that means is he beat you.
I cannot believe that.
Has anybody got a gun?
JAMES: Finally, it was the turn of Ricky Redneck.
-Right, ready with the stop watch. -Here we go.
(REVVING)
This is how you do this.
Oh, yeah.
-He's in a pick-up truck, on a loose surface. -Yeah, he's at home.
You know at the moment you're winning?
-Yeah. -In a minute, you won't be.
-What are you looking at? -That glint.
-You see it? -No.
Thrashing air!
Ah-ha-ha!
Into the left-hander.
-Keep it tight. -(PING)
Oh, what was that?
What the hell was that?
-That was... -What's the matter with him?
Has he bust the gear box?
What... Not very quick.
What was the matter?
That was the weirdest thing.
-What? -It's like a ricochet.
JAMES: As I wasn't interested in Hammond's excuses...
...we got back into our RVs and hit the road.
Ping, it was like a rico... like it came off something.
I suppose it could have been a stone.
(THUDS)
Hold on a minute.
JEREMY OVER RADIO: May, are you behind me?
Is my RV drooping slightly?
Well, funnily enough I was just looking at that.
I would say it's very down on the left.
That's broken, isn't it?
Yeah, it's leaning a lot.
Mate, it really is leaning. That's collapsed.
That's how it's supposed to be.
Yeah, some distance between the body and the ground.
Yeah, you can see more wheel on this side than the other side.
JAMES: However, as I wasn't interested in Clarkson's mechanical issues either,
we got back on the road again.
Right, so here's the situation.
I'm driving my RV with an overheating, over-revving engine,
and collapsed suspension, on an interstate.
Feels safe, that.
JAMES: Soon it was time to find a campsite,
and since we didn't fancy another night in a horrible RV park,
and we had all the comforts we needed,
we decided to freestyle it in the wilderness.
I think it's an excellent idea.
I mean, dune buggy racing is fantastic, and I won,
but it is quite hot and sweaty and dusty
and we can balance that with peace and quiet and a starry sky.
I mean, that's gonna be fantastic out here.
I might write a few lines of verse.
So, we turned off the interstate to find a nice spot to park up.
Oh, yeah, now we are getting into the great outdoors.
JEREMY OVER RADIO: James, how's my jet ski?
JAMES OVER RADIO: Yep, you're fine.
JAMES: Eventually we found the perfect spot at the side of a lake.
-However... -I can't stop.
I've lost braking! I've lost braking!
I have no control! (BEEP)
JEREMY: Using nothing but blind panic...
(BEEP) Stop, stop!
Stop!
...I eventually brought my stupid RV to heel.
Oh, for Christ's sake.
Right.
With no help from the crew, I removed the jet ski...
Excellent.
...and then tried to move the RV onto level ground.
-(ENGINE STRUGGLES TO START) -Come on. Fire, baby.
Come on, you know you wanna be an engine.
RICHARD: Hah! His jet ski's fallen off.
OK, bit of jiggery pokery, we'll get round there. Ohhh.
-(BEEP) -Jeremy. Stop!
(CRASH!)
(DASHBOARD ALARM)
-Has... -(POPPING)
Jesus!
Give me strength.
Oh, what's happened to my... I'm really sorry. (LAUGHS)
Oh, shit, have I hit your axle?
-I mean your prop shaft? -Er...yeah.
-And I... -And that's a wrap.
With that, back to the tent.
They are actually tied in a knot.
(LAUGHS)
JAMES: Once the ape had untangled himself,
and we were all parked,
I settled down to write some poetry in the evening stillness.
(FLY BUZZING)
(MOTORBIKE REVVING)
(MOTORBIKE MOVING AWAY)
(MOTORBIKE REVVING)
Hello, mate. Ooh-hoo!
Bartender, can I have a beer?
I can't hear you over that appalling racket.
-What? -I can't hear you over that appalling racket.
-Can I have a beer? -I can't hear you over that racket. No, you can't.
-Oh, come on. -It's run out.
It's hasn't run out. It's a pub!
It's run out of beer for you.
I'm a tired and thirsty traveller from out in the desert.
If you put the appalling two-stroke motorcycle away,
and come in the pub, you can have a beer.
-Otherwise you can go-- -Oh, look at that! -Oh no.
JEREMY: Power! Come on!
May!
Yee-ha!
Oh, ha! May!
Hey, hey! Well, I'm not not missing out.
(ENGINE REVS)
(ENGINES REVVING AND BUZZING)
Jet ski, jet ski, sounding shite,
on Lake Vegas, left and right.
Rotax engine, rin bin bin.
I hope the owner's arse caves in.
(ENGINES REVVING AND BUZZING)
JEREMY: Oh, ha-ha!
JEREMY: As darkness fell, we put the toys away
and James turned in for a good night's sleep.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(SNORING)
Sadly for him, though,
Hammond and I had decided to do a bit of stargazing.
(METALLIC CLICKING)
(CLICKING CONTINUES)
Hammond, what are you doing?
Setting my lights up.
What for?
Well, you've seen Close Encounters.
-Yes. -Well, I've got the full setup here, mate.
(CLUNK)
This desert that we're in
lies between Area 51 and Roswell.
One of the primary and main alien hotspots on this whole planet, mate.
(GENERATOR MOTOR ROARS)
Oh, shut up.
JEREMY: What's that for?
To power the lights. And the keyboard.
-What? A keyboard? -You've seen the film.
I am not gonna miss an opportunity to do this here.
Do you actually believe in this stuff?
Yes, there's enough evidence, enough people who've seen them.
The American Government, came out and said
Area 51 was real. It's a thing.
It's a thing cos it's... It's an aviation testing place.
It's Edwards Air Force base.
Yeah, they say that. They'll never tell you exactly what it is. 62%.
Roswell was a nuclear experiment,
I think, called Mogul.
62% of Americans believe in intelligent alien life. 62%.
80% of Americans don't have passports.
-Hammond. -What?
You're an alien, you've come a very great distance to earth.
-Yes. -Why do they always land in Southwest America?
It's big and open and quiet.
Why do they want to land on a planet where it's quiet?
To have a mooch about in secret, not be interfered with.
Why don't they talk to us? Why don't they land in London?
They might wanna talk to us.
They could land in Hyde Park.
Listen, I can talk to them.
(RANDOM SYNTHESISED NOTES)
(FAILS TO PLAY CLOSE ENCOUNTERS TUNE)
Oh, sorry. Wait a minute.
(PLAYS KEYBOARD AGAIN)
(FAILS TO PLAY CLOSE ENCOUNTERS TUNE)
Oh, no.
(RICHARD KEEPS PLAYING WRONG NOTES)
-Wait a minute. -Oh, for God's sake, get it right.
-(PLAYS WRONG NOTES) -Oh. No, wait.
(RICHARD KEEPS PLAYING WRONG NOTES)
No.
(RICHARD KEEPS PLAYING WRONG NOTES)
-No. -(PLAYS AGAIN)
-Hammond. -What?
-You see that guy? -Where?
JEREMY: He's gone.
It's pitch... There's nobody out there.
It's just a desert.
That's why the aliens come here.
(RICHARD KEEPS PLAYING WRONG NOTES)
Weird.
(RICHARD KEEPS PLAYING WRONG NOTES)
-No. -(JAMES GROANS)
For God's sake, shut up!
-(RICHARD PLAYS WRONG NOTES) -No.
(BIRDS AND INSECTS SINGING)
RICHARD: The next morning, the vista from my RV was terrible.
-Are you? -Am I what?
Having a dump?
-Yes. -Oh, for...
The whole point of sitting here is to enjoy this magnificent view.
I was here first. You're spoiling my view.
-I'm spoiling your view? -Yes.
I'm not crapping in it.
RICHARD: We then headed over to the pub for breakfast.
However...
Why haven't you made us breakfast?
Because breakfast is reserved exclusively for my friends,
and none of them are here.
Have you seriously not made us anything?
Yes, seriously, I have not made you anything.
I'm hungry.
Well let's not get bogged down
with his unbelievable selfishness.
It really is, though.
Let's work out what we're going to do today.
Dune buggy racing.
RICHARD: You've already done that. -We've all done that.
I thought we could go to a race track.
-No, not a race track. -Why not a race track?
-I don't like race tracks. -You like dune buggies.
That's dune buggies. Normal race tracks are just boring.
-Oh, come on, it'll be great fun. -OK, we'll settle it.
Let's have a vote.
JEREMY: This was the track we chose.
The Spring Mountain race complex.
And the cars?
Well, I went for the latest,
and last ever, front-engined Corvette.
Hammond went for the Jeep Grand Cherokee Terrahawk.
And May, still craving a bit of peace and quiet,
went for the Cadillac CTS-V.
And this was all tremendous.
But before we got down to business,
I made a terrible mistake,
and asked my colleagues a technical question.
All three of these cars have 6.2 litre supercharged V8s.
-Yes? Yes. -Yes, they do, yes.
What I want to know is, right,
-they're all pushrod engines. -Mm-hm.
Now, whenever I'm presented with a pushrod engine,
I know I have to go, "(MUTTERS) ..pushrod?"
But I don't know why.
What is a pushrod engine?
It's an engine where pushrods activate the valve train.
The valves on top of the cylinders
have to open and close to let the mixture get out.
Rather than having camshafts over the top doing that, opening them,
they have a single camshaft at the bottom
that operates rods that push the valves.
American cars have pushrod engines and can't rev quickly.
They have bigger capacities with long stroke, which makes the engine bigger.
The problem is, for an equal capacity engine, with overhead cams,
the engine would be bigger but you wouldn't need the extra capacity
because it would rev higher and deliver more power at a higher RPM.
But, on the other hand, if you had a high-revving sports car engine,
such as an Italian one, you would have a very over square piston dimension,
which would make the engine squatter,
and a dry sump, which would allow you to mount it lower...
After a couple of hours,
I invited Hammond to stop talking
and try out what is America's answer to the Lamborghini Urus...
the Terrahawk.
(ENGINE ROARING)
(TYRES SCREECHING)
Pulling this 700-horsepower, 6.2-litre supercharged V8
out of a Dodge Challenger Hellcat
into a Jeep off-roader,
might sound like it makes as much sense
as fitting me with Usain Bolt's legs.
I mean, the power's there but nothing else about the machine can handle it.
But it's more than just a cartoon.
They've really thought about this thing.
They've upgraded every component in the drivetrain
between the engine and the wheel.
Sometimes the metals they were using in the car industry
weren't strong enough to take the forces involved,
so they went to the aeronautical industry.
0-60, less than 3.5 seconds.
(ENGINE ROARING)
Top speed, 180 miles an hour.
It's... (LAUGHS)
This is a 2.5-ton off-roader!
And because it's four-wheel-drive,
it can apply those 700 horsepower
much, much more effectively
than the two-wheel-drive Challenger and Demon cars.
(HE CHUCKLES)
The world, in no way, needs this.
But that's kind of why the world needs it.
(ENGINE GROWLING)
I've chosen this Cadillac because it's comfortable.
I mean, it will do 200 miles an hour and it has 640 horsepower,
but mainly it's comfortable.
Oh, there's a dip in the road.
But the Cadillac just soaks it up.
Mmm.
JEREMY: Things were rather different, however, in my car.
The swan song Corvette.
(TYRES SQUEALING)
Bloody hellfire!
It's called the ZR1 and it's the loudest, fastest,
most powerful Corvette ever.
(ENGINE ROARING)
Ah.
Oh, ho-ho-ho!
You get 755 horsepower.
715 torques.
Does 0-60 in 2.8 seconds.
Now, that's all down to what GM calls the BAS.
The Big Ass Supercharger.
It takes 110 horsepower just to run it,
but you get 290 horsepower back,
so it's a good deal.
This engine runs on a type of fuel you can't even buy in California any more,
and needs 13 radiators to keep it cool,
especially here.
Where are we? What, ten miles from Death Valley?
It is, I'm afraid, though...
-Ooh, shit! -(TYRES SQUEALING)
...a tricky little bastard.
It's got a huge amount of mechanical and invisible aerodynamic grip,
which is fine if you want to set a lap record.
The trouble is, if you go beyond the limit,
it becomes almost unbelievably difficult...
(TYRES SCREECHING)
...to control.
Look at it.
Last year, an executive vice president
of something or other at General Motors...
I won't say his name, just that it begins with M
and ends in ark Reuss...
he was driving one of these
as the pace car at the Indy race in Detroit,
and he got to the second corner
before he lost control and put it in a wall.
(TYRES SCREECHING)
Everybody laughed at him and everybody's looked at his crash on YouTube,
but the fact is, I feel your pain, Mark.
-(TYRES SQUEALING) -Jesus.
Oooh.
JEREMY: Rather worryingly, Hammond then announced
that we should have a drifting competition.
OK, this is gonna be something else, isn't it?
But, because he's a moron, he hadn't factored in
that he was driving a boxy and wobbly 4X4.
And a little touch on the brake, throw it in,
instigating an absolutely beautiful drift.
-Oh, I don't know. -Look.
What's he trying to do?
That was a bit violent.
(JEREMY CHUCKLING)
It lacks the predictability
of a lower, rear-wheel drive car.
I'm not blaming the car, because the car's wonderful.
But it's the car.
JEREMY: With Hammond having scored nought,
it was my turn, in the mental mobile.
(ENGINE GROWLING)
And then flick it round.
(TYRES SQUEALING)
No drifting at all. That's just driving around.
Right, now come on, Jeremy, turn it in.
Oh, hello! Oh, no!
RICHARD: That's spinning.
So he needs to find a sort of happy medium
between spinning and simply driving along.
-That's pretty much what drifting is, isn't it? -Yeah.
Would you like to get a cup of coffee or something?
I'm sure I'll get it worked out in a minute.
This is the problem. He doesn't bore easily.
Right, now come on, Jeremy, come on!
I kept trying.
No.
No, I'm gonna go back. I'm...
What is he doing?
Oh, (BLEEP) hell!
Oh, yes, that's not gone brilliantly.
JAMES: How do you score this, apart from not very highly?
No, I've gone again.
Until eventually...
Fire. Fire.
Small fire.
(RICHARD LAUGHS)
That clutch? I think it's clutch.
Nothing... Nothing to see.
After my car was put out,
it was the turn of William Wordsworth.
What we've got here is a drifting competition
featuring two cars that can't drift
and a third which can,
but which is being driven by a man who can't.
The only good thing is he'll do it once, very badly,
there'll be a chirp of tyres,
he'll think that was a drift
and then we can move on.
Did you see me drift?
(ENGINE GROWLING)
(TYRES SQUEALING)
-Un-James May start there. -Very exuberant start.
Hang on a minute!
-Impossible. -Unexpected.
-Impossible. -Unlikely.
Impossible. Hold on, where's he going?
That's the pit lane. He's going the wrong way down the pit lane.
Is that... Is that James down there...
-What's he... -(HORN HONKING)
RICHARD: He's left the track. -Hello!
The only tall building for miles around and he's...
-That's not even... -Where's he going?
I don't know.
-Why are you not in that? -I cheated.
-How did you cheat? -I was at the pits
and I met a bloke hanging around, who said he was a drifter,
so I sent him out in the car.
You do know "drifter", in America,
means something entirely different to the UK?
You've just given your car away.
-To a tramp. -Yeah.
JEREMY: There he goes. RICHARD: What good work.
Well thought out.
JEREMY: Leaving May to deal with the insurance issues,
Hammond and I headed back to the campsite,
which meant passing through a local town.
(BIG BAND SWING MUSIC)
JEREMY: I'll tell you what, Hammond, do you fancy a beer?
Yeah, they'll have a bar here.
Yeah, they must do.
RICHARD: Just the one, though, eh? Let's not go mad.
(INSECTS SINGING)
(SNORING)
(TECHNO MUSIC STARTS BLARING)
(DANCE BEAT POUNDING)
(WHOOPING AND CHEERING)
(MUSIC BLARING)
(WHOOPING AND CHEERING)
I am a golden god!
Turn that (BLEEP) music off!
I'm gonna go left! I'm gonna go right!
(WHOOPING AND CHEERING)
(JEREMY CHUCKLES)
(BIRDSONG)
(FLY BUZZING)
Have you made breakfast for yourself again?
Yes, I have. And I've decided what we're doing today.
-What? -We're going to Red Lake.
Oh, good, I can get my jet ski out.
No, you can't. It's a dried-up lake. Beautiful.
-Is it off-road to get there? -All the way.
That means I can drive from the roof.
But I have got to go and attach all the...
um...you know, the stuff upstairs.
Right. While you do that,
Adam Ant can clean himself up and I'll enjoy my breakfast.
Then...that goes up there.
And that slots into there.
Brake linkages.
Goes in there. Yeah.
Bit Heath Robinson, but it'll work.
Oh, mate, you missed a hell of a party.
I was aware of it.
Why didn't you come to the party? You would have loved it.
You like dancing. There was definitely dancing.
I think there was a live band.
I was already in bed.
Good. So, starting engine.
(ENGINE RUMBLES TO LIFE)
Engaging drive. Here we go.
There must have been 30 or 40 people in the room when the police arrived.
-(CRASHING) -Ohh!
Clarkson!
Oh, mate, it landed jam-side down.
JEREMY: Once the flotsam and jetsam had been cleared away,
we set off for Red Lake.
Hammond and May decided to go as the crow flies.
Whereas I took the longer route...
(RATTLING)
...on a gentle track.
Oh, this is just heaven.
A lavatory with a flying bridge.
I mean, what I've done here is I have turned
one of the most dreary driving experiences in the world
into one of the best.
I honestly believe that sometimes my genius...
...it generates gravity.
JAMES: Meanwhile, on the rougher route...
Oh...
James, I'm not sure about this.
JAMES: Well, it's the shortest way.
I know this may look a bit mad but people obviously do this in RVs,
cos you see them parked out in the middle of nowhere.
Even if it's only making meth.
However, soon the terrain started to get much rougher.
(RATTLING AND CLATTERING)
(CLATTERING)
Shit!
Come on, come on.
Come on, come on, come on!
Ahhh, ha-ha!
Argh! Argh!
(CLATTERING)
Woah! Shit!
Hammond, your bike's fallen off.
Oh, bloody hell, I'll go back and get it.
Er...I wouldn't bother, to be honest.
(GROANING)
That's the...kick-start.
The exhaust is wedged under the back wheel.
The kick-starter's come off.
The handlebars are bent, the fork's twisted.
Foot peg.
It's broken the two-stroke oil...
I'm really sorry you won't be able to ride it around tonight. That's a shame.
Going right.
(JEREMY CHUCKLING)
Going left.
Everything is working well.
(RATTLING)
Quite rattly, I admit.
(CLATTERING)
Er...nasty, that...
Uuurrhhh...
That's the collapsed rear suspension.
-Don't judge me. -(CLATTERING)
JAMES: Back on our trail,
the going wasn't getting any smoother.
(CLATTERING)
(LIQUID SPURTING)
Jesus!
Hammond, stop! My pub's exploded.
Oh, no!
-Oh, jeez. -Ha!
Your one pleasure has been taken away from you.
-That's my warm brown beer. -Gone!
-Oh, God. -Is the gin OK?
-Yes. -Ha-ha-ha!
Do you know my pub? You're barred.
JAMES: Figuring there was nothing important left to break...
-(RUMBLING) -...we soldiered on.
God, it's hot. The steering wheel's getting...
(SMASHING)
Hammond, my windscreen's falling out.
It's fallen... It's broken.
(RICHARD LAUGHS)
RICHARD: Oh!
Oh, dear.
You know you're gonna have to take the rest of it out, don't you?
Well, you are. You can't...
I mean, that's not... advisable, is it?
No. Thank you for your input.
What I've done, is I've taken out
the good half of the windscreen
before it falls out and gets broken,
and I've stowed that in the back
until I get somewhere where I can do a proper repair.
And then I've borrowed Hammond's motorcycle goggles,
cos he doesn't need them any more.
Eventually, all three of us were reunited at our destination...
...Red Lake.
Any problems to report, apart from the fact most of your RV's missing, May?
No, everything's fine. The air conditioning's excellent.
What an astonishing lake this is.
There must have been global warming in the olden days
to have created this astonishing spectacle.
What caused the global warming back then, I wonder?
This is like a scene out of Independence Day.
Jeff Goldblum, Will Smith, that drunk man.
Yeah, that's pretty much us.
Hammond, did you do that on the back of May's?
RICHARD: Yes, I did.
A pub needs a name and a sign
and I've combined it with the landlord's name.
-(CHUCKLES) -Love your work.
-(CLATTERING) -Bit of a bump there.
Ha-ha! Jet ski's fallen off!
(CHUCKLING)
I probably should tell him, but...
my radio's on the seat down there
and it would be irresponsible to take my hand off the wheel.
Before I tell him about that, I'll help him along with it a bit. Here we go.
(CLATTERING)
(JAMES LAUGHS)
James must have a problem with his brakes, cos he can't stop
and keeps hitting the back of the jet ski.
Oh! Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Oh. it doesn't work so well on sand.
(CLATTERING AND LAUGHTER)
RICHARD: Clarkson, your jet ski's fallen off. Just then.
-What? -(HE LAUGHS) Just then...
JEREMY: Slowing it down. Easing it down.
-Is it broken? -Oh, yes.
JAMES: I had to swerve like mad to avoid it.
It's a good job I was behind you.
If there was nobody to see that,
you could have dragged that for 50 miles.
-How long have I been dragging it for? -20, 30 feet.
James, I can see where it fell off.
And I'm gonna guess that's three miles ago.
(RICHARD GIGGLING)
I couldn't get my radio.
JEREMY: Having cut the ruined jet ski free,
we resumed our journey across the lake bed.
Gotta open the pub in ten minutes.
RICHARD: Hey, Priscilla, is it nice and breezy up there?
(HE CHUCKLES)
Oh, going for the relaxed, easy driving style now. There it is.
First time I've ever driven with my feet up, and I like it.
-(CLATTERING) -Oh, (BLEEP) hell!
Jesus Christ!
Might ease it down a bit.
(ENGINE HUMMING STEADILY)
Shit.
My steering works but I have no gears
and no throttle and no braking.
I'm gonna have to retake control.
Here we go.
Where's he going?
He's abandoned his steering!
It's jammed!
What? It's...
It's jammed! I can't open the hatch!
Well, I can't open it.
The hatch is jammed.
Er...guys, could you do like a pincer movement, OK?
Come alongside me at the same time
and try and slow me down.
So, what, we're gonna squeeze you and then slow you?
-We'll be your brakes? -Yeah.
So keep steering into me while braking. We'll try and stop it.
Shit.
OK, guys, come in!
Roger.
If this works, it'll be a miracle.
OK, steady. Match my speed. Match my speed.
RICHARD: Matching your speed.
Steering in. Steering in.
(CRUNCHING AND SCRAPING)
OK, start to brake. Start to brake.
Braking, braking.
-(METALLIC SQUEAKING) -JEREMY: OK, this is working. This is working.
My fuel tank is just down there, so...
(SMASHING)
Right. Oh, it's worked a bit.
(SMASHING)
OK, that's a small accident there.
Bloody hell, that worked! It's stopped!
But now you've gotta get it in neutral!
-Well, how do I get in? -I don't know.
There's a ladder at the back. Go down the ladder.
RICHARD: We have to shut it down!
It's trying to run away.
I've got my foot hard on the brake.
If we let go, it will take off.
Hurry up!
JAMES: Right, down the back,
the window should be aligned with your... Use a bar stool.
Go to the back, where the windows are.
No, I can't.
-What do you mean, you can't? -I can't do it.
-Put your feet in first. -Hammond!
-What? -We need Hammond. He's little.
You can't get through the window. I can't take my foot off the brake.
I hope my handbrake holds, cos if it gives out, we've had it.
I can't get through the window.
Go in there. Can you put it in...just put it in park?
Turn it off.
-What are you doing? -Putting that in to make it easier. Look.
-Oh, right, that was my problem. -Yeah. Arghh!
-I did that. -Ow! Argh!
Ow! Pinched one!
-Right. I'm... -Quick!
(RICHARD GROANS)
Neutral! Oh.
-Oh. -Has he done it?
-Yes, he has. Jeez. -Neutral. I've shut it down.
Well done.
Oh, no!
-Hammond. -What?
Do you have any idea
how close that fuel tank is to my chassis rails?
Very.
You could have been blown to pieces, you idiot!
-Er...who's the idiot? -"Thank you, rescuers."
-"Who's the idiot?" -You are.
Why did this happen? There was nothing wrong with mine or his.
What do you mean there's nothing wrong with yours?
-You've got no windscreen. -I know, but it was driving OK.
I was in control of it. I was behind the wheel, I could use the pedals.
-I was in control of-- -No, you weren't.
-Of the steering I was. -Well, that's brilliant.
We've saved you from being dashed to death on a distant mountain.
-I can't get out. -And this is the gratitude we get.
I was prepared to drive round in circles till it ran out of petrol.
-What's the matter? -I can't get out. I've got stuck.
-This was a mistake. -(JEREMY GUFFAWS)
JAMES: What's he done? RICHARD: This... I can't...
-What were you thinking of? -My legs are on the glass.
This is a ridiculous day.
Let's see what can be done to rescue this situation.
Well, that's an interesting one, isn't it?
Well, let's have a sit down and think.
-Yeah, there's a sofa here. -My knees are stuck on the window, it's very sore.
How did you manage that? Why didn't you go through legs first?
I couldn't because it's higher.
-But didn't you take a bar stool with you? -Aargh!
Can I just say this holiday is not working out.
-No. -Why don't we just face facts?
-RVs are not good. -They're not good.
So why don't we just have a demolition derby?
-Well, no, wait a minute. -What?
That's not a bad idea, cos half of mine's gone already.
Yes, mine's pretty much ruined, cos he's broken the window.
Yes, but mine's intact, it's perfectly intact.
Nothing has gone wrong with it. I'm not destroying it.
Well, you'll win, then. You stand more chance of winning.
I'll tell you what, we'll have a vote.
Right, we've found three other people
who are equally disillusioned with their RVs
and the rules are very simple.
The last one still running is the winner.
Once we'd climbed aboard our race-modified RVs,
we were ready for the off.
This is a stupid idea. I disapprove.
It's needlessly destructive and I really like my little truck.
Here's my start line strategy.
Light goes green. Hard right! Hit James.
I want him to be a bonnet emblem
by the time I get to the first corner.
He doesn't realise that the window's fallen out of his RV
and I can hear everything he's saying.
(ENGINE REVVING)
(BEEPS)
(BEEP)
Let's get this over with, shall we?
That's one done.
Obviously I'm not driving on the roof.
I think that would be unwise.
Closing up on the lavatory.
-Here he goes. -(CRASHING)
Oh, he hit me hard there.
-Turning right. -(SMASHING)
Oh, haw, haw, haw!
(SMASHING)
(METALLIC SCRAPING)
-Got him. JEREMY: I've been hit again!
-(METALLIC SCRAPING) -Bastard.
JAMES: Meanwhile, in Hammond's truck,
there'd been a bit of a mood swing.
-(THUD) -Ha, ha, ha.
(SMASHING)
OK, I change my mind. This is really good fun.
(LAUGHS)
I have got the toughest vehicle here... I'm sure of that.
-(THUDDING) -Aargh! Oh, ow, ow.
Have another go at Jeremy.
-(CLATTERING) Ooh! Oh, my lights have come off.
(CRIES OUT)
The door was shut on me really badly.
I can't see over my bonnet.
(JAMES LAUGHS)
Hammond's bonnet is completely off.
JAMES: However, the Mad Max make-over
made his truck even more of a lethal weapon.
-There you go! Hah. -(SMASHING)
RICHARD: Ha ha ha. -Oh, that's brutal.
-(THUD) -Oh, my door!
Oh!
(THUDDING AND SMASHING)
JEREMY: I've been hit.
I've been hit again.
I'm in a sandwich of Americans.
(SMASHING)
JEREMY: It was at this point I noticed something
about one of those Americans.
Wait a minute.
It's that guy.
He's the one who's been following us.
What's he doing?
Oh, no, I'm being pushed.
(METAL RIPPING)
We are being annihilated by the two remaining Americans.
(THUDDING)
RICHARD: As the contest heated up...
(SMASHING)
...I decided to pick on the biggest RV.
You want demolition, have some.
(THUD)
Ha! Oh!
(THUD)
(CHUCKLES)
RICHARD: Oh, oh.
Oh, hello, I'm leaking. Oh, no!
Oh, no, I'm leaking fluid.
(SMASHING)
(THUDDING)
RICHARD: Following hit after brutal hit...
...my opponent eventually conked out.
But the battle had left me badly wounded.
Oh, this does not bode well for my little truck.
I think my engine might be suffering.
Huh! Aargh!
Oh, whoa!
-(SMASHING) -Oh, that's gone badly wrong for me.
-I think I've lost a wheel now. -Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho.
I'm in a bad way.
I've lost steering. (CRIES OUT)
Aaargh!
Hammond is history.
(SMASHING)
JEREMY: Now only three of us remained.
Come on. Hit James.
Ramming speed!
(SMASHING)
(TYRES SCREECH)
JAMES: Ohhh!
-You bastard! -May's in the wall!
He's in the wall and toast.
It's just me and this weird man.
I'll get you, you bastard.
-(THUD) -Whoa.
(SMASHING)
Get him!
I'm taking him.
-(THUDDING) -Oh, Lord.
Going in hard and hot!
(TYRES SCREECH)
(THUD)
JEREMY: Yeaahhhh!
Ha-ha, hey!
Oh, yes!
The mighty RV boat is victorious.
Nothing else running.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Oh, yeah.
Well done. It's a glorious victory.
-Really. -It is.
And I think we've proved that if you must have an RV
it has to be a Chevrolet Pace Arrow.
-Yes. Yes. -Yes, it does.
Good, congratulations. Very well done.
-Meanwhile... -What?
We've gotta make camp for tonight
in these, so I would suggest just over there.
I think that's an excellent idea. As close as possible.
-Yes. -We can come to your pub.
-Well, you're not expecting a drink, are you? -Why not?
-Pub's been demolished. -Has it?
-Yeah. -Oh, of course, it went into a wall.
-Happens a lot these days. -Ooh! Ooh!
-I nearly forgot. -What?
You know that guy that's been
following us around since we got here?
BOTH: No. -The one in the race overalls.
-No. -You've still not seen him?
-Never seen him. -Well, you have, cos he was driving that.
-Was he? -Yes, I put him on... he's dead now.
-Good, good. -And now he won't be following us any more
because I've rolled him over.
You can tell us all about it
over a glass of water this evening.
JEREMY: With our race with the devil over...
...we fell asleep quickly that night,
happy in the knowledge that the horror
of our RV holiday was finally over.
(EERIE MUSIC)
(EERIE MUSIC CONTINUES)
(MUSIC FADES)